Diet Experience: Pro-Ana

WARNING: Pro-Ana is a movement promoting deliberate efforts of becoming and staying anorexic. That shit isn’t funny, it kills you, and before it does, it makes you ugly, sick, and miserable. Ironically, these Ana girls tend to know that.

Desperate, I tried it 2010. Being actually morbidly obese, made it sound safe and reasonable, and it’s one of my best non-surgical attempts yet. Here’s how I did it:

1. I collected Ana and Thinspo (“thinspiration”, images and quotes glorifying exreme thin-ness) to look at at all times, and instructions. Basically things to keep me focused on my goal. My goal wasn’t to be sickly thin, but to lose huge amounts of weight and fit into whatever I liked.

2. I threw away all food, all table ware etc. except the bare necessities. 1 plate of each size and shape, and one piece of each kind of silverware basically.

3. I bought food that was Ana-approved, and only as much as I’d eat in the coming days, no stocking. I made sure it was food I liked that that would kind of fill me or at least keep me in good spirits. Fish, white cheese, broccoli, etc.

4. I obsessed over how much I hated my body. I deliberately obsessed and hated. Even in a good mood, when I felt silly about it, I still sat down and told myself I was hideous. I did this and looked at my thinspo every time I wanted to eat. Slept a lot to pass time without thinking of food, this includes sleep aid abuse. Went outside much, as I had trouble eating in public. Looked at pictures of fat people thinking hateful thoughts.

I kept this up for about a month and if it weren’t for the 2 facts that ruined it all, I might have stayed Ana. The 2 facts are:
1. That kind of diet exceeds my discipline. I can’t work the hours I signed for at my job, how am I gonna keep Ana-ing? I like food, not just for boredom, I actually enjoy good food. I enjoy life (or I try). That is why I like to eat.
2. There is no way in hell to stay healthy, strong, and beautiful on Ana. Beauty isn’t just an issue of weight. The hair of anorexic or severely malnourished people, is hideous.

I lost 4 kilos that month. Gained 7 the month after because for fuck’s sake, come on, after a month of cottage cheese and water, you just need that box of fudge cake. Make that 10 boxes of fudge cake. Actually, I learned that giving in to cravings and temptations regularly, but not excessively, does more to prevent weight gain, than strictly and obsessively, yet unhappily abstaining and then breaking and binging when the temptation becomes unbearable. No, 10 boxes of fudge cake are not the example of healthy regular craving satisfaction, but of the latter: binging after withdrawal.

Nowadays, when it comes to snacking, I do snack, but delicately. Instead of binging on a whole bag of chips or a whole box of chocolates, I enjoy a bit of it until it’s all melted and drool-dissolved, and leave the rest for later, or I buy a very carefully selected, but small quantity of something. Like 1 Snickers to kill my urge for sweets for the entire day. Keep it as long as possible, and enjoy it thoroughly when I cave. Believe me, it’ll be enough. When you’ve eaten healthy and consciously all day, or all week, even better, even if you think you need a whole cake, a small slice will taste rewarding and do the job. The trick is that your small snack is high in the otherwise evil carbs. Carbs make you happy. Sugar does, too. And so does chocolate. So take something small that unites all of those. Like 1 Nutella-covered fresh egg waffle. 1 Snickers. 1 small bag of M&M’s.
Yeah yeah, I do binge when PMSing or otherwise moody. Fuck off.

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